I hope that helping parents understand this can relieve some of the burden and anxiety that modern parenting has come to carry. Parenting has increasingly become something we evaluate ourselves on, another domain to optimize, improve, and perfect.
The result is that many parents live with a constant sense of responsibility for outcomes that are often far less under their control than they imagine.
This pressure doesn't just affect parents. It affects children too. When parenting becomes another endless self-improvement project, everyone in the family bears the cost.
Ironically, although modern parenting is often described as child-centered, it can become remarkably parent-centered in practice. Instead of focusing on the child in front of us, we become preoccupied with ourselves: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? What should I be doing differently? How can I improve?
The child becomes the measure of our success, and parenting becomes another test we feel compelled to pass.
Thank you Reut. Parents, particularly moms, have been lead in a way that has produced too much suffering and struggles. But, the good news is, it is reversible.
Dear Dr. Bob & Dr. Manuela … This may be one of the most freeing things I’ve read in a long time. As a mother of two autistic boys, I think one of the heaviest burdens many of us carry is the belief that if we just learn enough, try hard enough, or find the right approach, we can somehow control the outcome. What this piece reminded me is that my children came into the world already themselves. My job was never to engineer them into a particular outcome. It was to know them, love them, and walk alongside them. There is so much relief in that perspective. Thank you both for putting words to something I think many parents desperately need to hear. 🥹✨
While I fully also suffer from the modern expectations … I try to validate that a lot of the weight of “expert led advice” in our pockets is part of our parenthood culture very different than generations before.
My goal is to help parents and moms listen to their inner voices and figure out what are their unique barriers to access to their own wisdom… Is there mistrust of themselves that’s deeper than the culture of second guessing ? Is their own anxiety getting fuel from messaging mom group texts and pediatricians on my chart rather than relief?
Toeing this while not to being yet another voice of advice or “should” in someone’s ear is tricky!
Great article and so spot on. The understanding of biology and the temperamental differences, that are part of that biology and can vastly differ between children of the same biological parents is so powerful. Helping them to understand that it means - the child/parent interaction will be different and tolerating navigating that. In the case of an eating disorder that shows up in a child - a child that doesn’t look or act like their child anymore and helping them to remember that this new and challenging situation is truly the eating disorder taking over, not their child. Helping them to be able to shift and apply strategies, hence “parenting” in a whole different way!
Thank you for this! I am a developmental scientist, and I love how clear and practical you've made this translation while acknowledging that knowing this stuff doesn't make us immune to cultural influence.
Thank you for writing that - it really helped me understand my (and my husband's) relationship with my stepdaughters (his daughters). One is easy to parent, and the other an absolute nightmare, despite them both having the same treatment. I suggested being more consistent and firm with the errant child, but my husband disagreed, saying that it won't help. Her personality will remain the same and her behaviour and stress levels will deteriorate. Your article has made me evaluate my relationship with her - I'm the one who needs to listen, not dictate.
Much of our first reactions are our genetic defaults. Resistance to change, new experiences, sensory input. Non chosen non intentional. Still responsible but needs help more than censor
Well said: there is no single correct parenting method for every child.
There is only a guiding direction: to help a child grow into an adult who can live, tolerate frustration, take responsibility, and not fall apart at every discomfort.
But the actual way we connect with a child has to be built around that child’s temperament, sensitivity, nervous system, and real capacities.
Because the same “right” method can be support for one child and pressure for another.
A very important piece.
I hope that helping parents understand this can relieve some of the burden and anxiety that modern parenting has come to carry. Parenting has increasingly become something we evaluate ourselves on, another domain to optimize, improve, and perfect.
The result is that many parents live with a constant sense of responsibility for outcomes that are often far less under their control than they imagine.
This pressure doesn't just affect parents. It affects children too. When parenting becomes another endless self-improvement project, everyone in the family bears the cost.
Ironically, although modern parenting is often described as child-centered, it can become remarkably parent-centered in practice. Instead of focusing on the child in front of us, we become preoccupied with ourselves: What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? What should I be doing differently? How can I improve?
The child becomes the measure of our success, and parenting becomes another test we feel compelled to pass.
Thank you Reut. Parents, particularly moms, have been lead in a way that has produced too much suffering and struggles. But, the good news is, it is reversible.
Dear Dr. Bob & Dr. Manuela … This may be one of the most freeing things I’ve read in a long time. As a mother of two autistic boys, I think one of the heaviest burdens many of us carry is the belief that if we just learn enough, try hard enough, or find the right approach, we can somehow control the outcome. What this piece reminded me is that my children came into the world already themselves. My job was never to engineer them into a particular outcome. It was to know them, love them, and walk alongside them. There is so much relief in that perspective. Thank you both for putting words to something I think many parents desperately need to hear. 🥹✨
I am so glad this helped. That is my mission to relieve burdens and stress though knowledge. You have great intuition lean into it and trust it.
This is 90% of my practices presenting problem. Well articulated!!
Thanks for appreciating
How do you handle the issue?
While I fully also suffer from the modern expectations … I try to validate that a lot of the weight of “expert led advice” in our pockets is part of our parenthood culture very different than generations before.
My goal is to help parents and moms listen to their inner voices and figure out what are their unique barriers to access to their own wisdom… Is there mistrust of themselves that’s deeper than the culture of second guessing ? Is their own anxiety getting fuel from messaging mom group texts and pediatricians on my chart rather than relief?
Toeing this while not to being yet another voice of advice or “should” in someone’s ear is tricky!
There is advice and there is knowledge. Advice is technique, knowledge leads in the right direction so parents can understand their unique child.
Thanks for reading!
Great article and so spot on. The understanding of biology and the temperamental differences, that are part of that biology and can vastly differ between children of the same biological parents is so powerful. Helping them to understand that it means - the child/parent interaction will be different and tolerating navigating that. In the case of an eating disorder that shows up in a child - a child that doesn’t look or act like their child anymore and helping them to remember that this new and challenging situation is truly the eating disorder taking over, not their child. Helping them to be able to shift and apply strategies, hence “parenting” in a whole different way!
Thanks for your comment
So true.
Thank you for this! I am a developmental scientist, and I love how clear and practical you've made this translation while acknowledging that knowing this stuff doesn't make us immune to cultural influence.
I’m so glad it resonated 🤍 absolutely, Jen. And writing about this helps me too ☺️
Great article, Thank you.
Thank you for reading, Claire!
Thank you for writing that - it really helped me understand my (and my husband's) relationship with my stepdaughters (his daughters). One is easy to parent, and the other an absolute nightmare, despite them both having the same treatment. I suggested being more consistent and firm with the errant child, but my husband disagreed, saying that it won't help. Her personality will remain the same and her behaviour and stress levels will deteriorate. Your article has made me evaluate my relationship with her - I'm the one who needs to listen, not dictate.
Thank you.
Much of our first reactions are our genetic defaults. Resistance to change, new experiences, sensory input. Non chosen non intentional. Still responsible but needs help more than censor
Thank you for reading and sharing, Kate 🤍.
I love your reflection that listening may be more important than dictating right now. Curiosity is often a much better starting point than control.
Well said: there is no single correct parenting method for every child.
There is only a guiding direction: to help a child grow into an adult who can live, tolerate frustration, take responsibility, and not fall apart at every discomfort.
But the actual way we connect with a child has to be built around that child’s temperament, sensitivity, nervous system, and real capacities.
Because the same “right” method can be support for one child and pressure for another.
So well said. Knowing Children’s inborn temperament traits lead us to the areas they need the most help to fulfill their potential